February is here. So cold outside. Quite the opposite of how I feel inside. I feel like a fire, burning away all the negative beliefs I have ever had about myself.
I decided that my challenge this month, would be to work on finding the cause of my constant fatigue and lack of energy as well as finding my way back to emotional wellness. I strongly believe that healing first occurs at the soul and heart level.
In the past recent years, I've noticed that I have often found myself stuck between those old beliefs of not being good enough and some newly found self-confidence. There were days when I felt on top of the world, ready to fully live and make a difference in this world and other days when I felt as if I wanted to board a spaceship and travel as far as possible from Earth and my painful memories of the experiences I had on this planet...
I was born out of a single mother, who had been abused by her father. To hid away from the pain of abuse, she would go clubbing and drinking and ended up with a little girl in her tummy...when I was age 6, she got married with Claude, told me he was my dad and I believed her. Years later, I found out the truth about him not being my dad, about her being abused and about how she hid her pregnancy from everyone by wearing corsages until I was born...she was a big lady, so nobody noticed she was pregnant...when it was time to give birth, a co-worker of hers called the ambulance and she was brought to the hospital where single moms gave birth at. It was run by nuns and these ladies had me stay there for 3 months because they wanted me to go through the adoption process but mother refused that and along with her parents they convinced the nuns to let me go back home with them one day....
I was in my early teenage years, at that time, when I learned all this and I could not understand what mom really went through and I started feeling really bad about myself and all I could think about is that I was never wanted. Felt that way for YEARS. Hated everything about my life...resented my grandfather, was hurt because mom lied to me for years and I hid all that and pretended to be a happy camper! I also hated these legs of mine, on top of being unwanted, I had not a "normal" body.
Because of mom wearing these corsages, I ended up with many spinal issues, my pelvis and my neck being the worse...Do I hated that body!
Because of me feeling unwanted and not good enough, I ended up moving into relationships with men, not out of love but out of need...felt like if someone was interested in me, it would mean that I had some value and was wanted! But you can never really run away from your personal "demons" or fears or false beliefs...they never go way, until you find the courage to face them! I spent years working on me, and I'm still a work in progress. Forgiveness is something I had to experience on many levels and I worked on learning to know who I am as an Individual both on a human level and on a spiritual level but also as a Part of the Whole! By loving who I am, I attracted Love back to me and for the first time in my Life, I can say that I am in Love, out of love! Feels fantastic and magical!
As I'm writing this, I feel I have found some real peace in my heart...I'm finally able to say I love you to my mom and noticed that she said it to me twice this week! I don't judge myself anymore and forgive myself for all the times I did. Finally I'm proud of having being able to break from the cycle of dysfunctional behaviors in my family.
This monthly challenge seems to be working out very well so far :)
